i am not superstitious and stuff but i will toast at midnight with cheap sparkling wine and give my honey a kiss…
i tightened my locs and polished my fingers and toes because these things make me feel sexy…a feeling that i hope lingers throughout the year…
i washed all my clothes on thursday because at some point someone’s big ma told me it was bad luck to do laundry on the friday before and after the new year…
i will make a small pot of greens and black-eyed peas tomorrow because well…when mama was in the world she told me this had to be done..and i’ve been doing it ever since…
i am not superstitious and stuff but i wonder what the ball dropping without second seed will mean for familial ties in 2012…
i made promises that i left in 2009 and again in 2010..unfulfilled…there will be no promises made tonight that linger into a million tomorrows…i have tried to get free all while living some semblance of the american dream…this i tell you is a feat that can never be accomplished. yes i am tired. i have planned to—live cleaner, listen harder, love stronger, and forgive louder…i have failed at them all-yet they remain desirous, mysterious and seemingly unattainable…i have no plans of grandiose monstrosity to usher in what some may consider a new year…no promises…i just want to live comfortably…somewhere outside of my head…
i have been in my garden for 48 hours…trapped in between and underneath all kinds of webbed fantasies formed in images and writings…but unable to speak. sickened by my inability to move anywhere but in my head…still…in all the motion. comforted by nothing…even the finest imported cognac with its full body and seductively deep aroma does not save the day…and i am numbed by clouds that have taken a liking to my being and decided to make a halo upon my crown…
There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect
december was never really religious…even when we were christian…i have no recollection of midnight masses, wooly haired africans in mangers, or gospels according to anyone…i do remember red candy filled boots, santa, and presents…i remember diamonds for mom, ridiculous doodads for pops, and whatever media hyped as the most popular items of the season for me…
…and 10 years later for me and my little bro…
i remember when “first born” was indoctrinated into all things december…that was 17 years ago and still he sits waiting by the tree to find out what the fed ex man delivered several weeks before the 25th…second seed never knew the joys and disappointments of santa…but was thrilled just the same with the packages housed in packages adorned in designer paper layered under the tree…which has been lit since late november…continuously…
…with exact precision it was trimmed by me and me alone because no one else can be bothered by my obsession with equity in size, shape, and colors of bulbs and ribbons and icicles and lights…360 degrees by 6 feet…there it will remain shining continuously into the new year…and slightly beyond…
…praises to allah by mom did not stifle my december traditions that were engrained throughout my youthdom…and i remain in a ball of confusion about this frenzied month of december that is caught between winter and fall…paganism and spirituality…agnosticism, islam, and christianity…december is still not religious…we still make memories though…
i found some old pictures today…deliberately. and there were shots of you and me and them…and lots of faces that were unfamiliar and no longer here. i held each picture individually for at least a few seconds and looked for something to hold on to…this became necessary…so they would not end up like other out of season articles i once possessed…discarded. i found i could pinpoint happiness and differentiate the real from the recommended in a smile…there were better times…and also there were spaces you never want to recreate…but they existed…i saw images that were hardened by the time spent in a box on a shelf for too many years…and i saw images that captured faces that were hardened by the time they spent in life…
today was chilly but there was no smoke blown and i didn’t have to use my defrost…slowly the air is clearing and the exhaust has dissipated into the officesphere…ah an understanding…tomorrow i hope for mid 70’s and low humidity…
i never wanted a sister…big or little…i was perfectly happy being the only one who could legitimately lay claim to being daddy’s little girl…i was his only girl…and it was great. the first man i ever loved…he made me know the kind of love i was worthy of receiving and urged that i demand no less…he gave me joy and everything else…showed me the importance of having my own…independence is what i think he called it…cause you just never know. had me all determined and destined to do big things…told me I’d be great…e-g-o-! he never talked in terms of equality be it race or gender or class but i learned these things were riddled in his walk his conversation and i came to understand the latent meanings of his stride…my hero….he felt my pain when cootie boppers mangled my self confidence…he passed but never puffed with his sweet little girl even ignoring the smells that seeped through vents carrying heat and air and sound…he gave me life and love and laughter…
