overflowing buckets of thought

mute

Mon, 26 Nov 2012 08:15:00 -0500

in my day to day being other is muted

but it is when i go home that i understand

how exhausted i really am

it is at home where i am surprisingly comforted

by the segregation of the city

and invisibility

hugs me tight gives me a wink

and says that it is ok

to “be”

#cleveland#black#hood

repression/depression

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 17:36:00 -0400

repression is real…and i know there are lots of arguments about the absurdity of some of freud’s theoretical conjectures none of which i have read or have any interest in reading… but repression is real…

there are many things about many times that i cannot even conceive…i hear stories of times when i was there and how good this or that was but i can’t remember any of them…and from what i can gather there are just as many good as there are bad…

i am hoping this is repression… and not some horrific anomaly of the brain that will lead to alzheimer’s or ms or some other scary brain thing that looms in the medical universe that some unlucky bastards of our population will end up with and ultimately die from with not even a faint memory of their short existence in this dimension…

but for now i will call it repression…

i have tried to think back and to pinpoint when this mental monster first made my acquaintance and lord knows how many times i have tried to shake it…i am unsure if it was passed to me like my short stature and brown eyes or if its exposure was postnatal but prepubescent…is this a function of my own story…the one i created for myself or the one i was chosen to lead…of all these things i am unsure…

but i know repression is real and have considered it a function of the chronically depressed mind…this i do not consider and abnormality…this i consider the norm…we are all just on different strands of the continuum…this i am sure…

classically, i am fatigued, take no pleasure in even the most pleasing-ess of pleasures, lack sexual drive and outright have no desire (of this he knows nothing and does not understand), pessimistic, hopeless, interruptions in sleep, fluctuations in mood (not to be confused with bipolar I or II, i only cycle on bikes), weight gain, slightly flattened affect and the list goes on…

of all the things my mind chooses to repress this is not among them

i haven’t been purging…or capturing…or doing much of anything since i left…i...

Sun, 30 Sep 2012 13:05:00 -0400

i haven’t been purging…or capturing…or doing much of anything since i left…i really haven’t been. everything is still the way it was and today i felt like writing…so here i am. simple. trying to get back to it all. trying to purge. trying to capture. trying to be. physical stillness is something that fits me quite comfortably…i cannot be still…today i feel like purging…

nail polish, black-eyed peas, and cheap wine

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 20:40:00 -0500

i am not superstitious and stuff but i will toast at midnight with cheap sparkling wine and give my honey a kiss…

i tightened my locs and polished my fingers and toes because these things make me feel sexy…a feeling that i hope lingers throughout the year…

i washed all my clothes on thursday because at some point someone’s big ma told me it was bad luck to do laundry on the friday before and after the new year…

i will make a small pot of greens and black-eyed peas tomorrow because well…when mama was in the world she told me this had to be done..and i’ve been doing it ever since…

i am not superstitious and stuff but i wonder what the ball dropping without second seed will mean for familial ties in 2012…

on resolutions...

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:14:00 -0500

i made promises that i left in 2009 and again in 2010..unfulfilled…there will be no promises made tonight that linger into a million tomorrows…i have tried to get free all while living some semblance of the american dream…this i tell you is a feat that can never be accomplished. yes i am tired. i have planned to—live cleaner, listen harder, love stronger, and forgive louder…i have failed at them all-yet they remain desirous, mysterious and seemingly unattainable…i have no plans of grandiose monstrosity to usher in what some may consider a new year…no promises…i just want to live comfortably…somewhere outside of my head…

still

Sat, 31 Dec 2011 17:15:00 -0500

i have been in my garden for 48 hours…trapped in between and underneath all kinds of webbed fantasies formed in images and writings…but unable to speak. sickened by my inability to move anywhere but in my head…still…in all the motion. comforted by nothing…even the finest imported cognac with its full body and seductively deep aroma does not save the day…and i am numbed by clouds that have taken a liking to my being and decided to make a halo upon my crown…

"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick..."

Mon, 26 Dec 2011 15:41:18 -0500

“There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don’t expect you to save the world I do think it’s not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those whom you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect”

- Nikki Giovanni

on december

Fri, 23 Dec 2011 22:12:00 -0500

december was never really religious…even when we were christian…i have no recollection of midnight masses, wooly haired africans in mangers, or gospels according to anyone…i do remember red candy filled boots, santa, and presents…i remember diamonds for mom, ridiculous doodads for pops, and whatever media hyped as the most popular items of the season for me…

…and 10 years later for me and my little bro…

i remember when “first born” was indoctrinated into all things december…that was 17 years ago and still he sits waiting by the tree to find out what the fed ex man delivered several weeks before the 25th…second seed never knew the joys and disappointments of santa…but was thrilled just the same with the packages housed in packages adorned in designer paper layered under the tree…which has been lit since late november…continuously…

…with exact precision it was trimmed by me and me alone because no one else can be bothered by my obsession with equity in size, shape, and colors of bulbs and ribbons and icicles and lights…360 degrees by 6 feet…there it will remain shining continuously into the new year…and slightly beyond…

…praises to allah by mom did not stifle my december traditions that were engrained throughout my youthdom…and i remain in a ball of confusion about this frenzied month of december that is caught between winter and fall…paganism and spirituality…agnosticism, islam, and christianity…december is still not religious…we still make memories though…

"Let the beauty of what you love be what you do."

Tue, 20 Dec 2011 07:10:17 -0500

“Let the beauty of what you love be what you do.”

- Rumi

i found some old pictures today…deliberately. and there were shots of you and me and...

Sun, 18 Dec 2011 18:08:41 -0500

i found some old pictures today…deliberately. and there were shots of you and me and them…and lots of faces that were unfamiliar and no longer here. i held each picture individually for at least a few seconds and looked for something to hold on to…this became necessary…so they would not end up like other out of season articles i once possessed…discarded. i found i could pinpoint happiness and differentiate the real from the recommended in a smile…there were better times…and also there were spaces you never want to recreate…but they existed…i saw images that were hardened by the time spent in a box on a shelf for too many years…and i saw images that captured faces that were hardened by the time they spent in life…

"how wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it..."

Sat, 17 Dec 2011 23:10:49 -0500

“how wrong is it for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself”

- anais nin

today was chilly but there was no smoke blown and i didn’t have to use my defrost…slowly...

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 19:51:57 -0500

today was chilly but there was no smoke blown and i didn’t have to use my defrost…slowly the air is clearing and the exhaust has dissipated into the officesphere…ah an understanding…tomorrow i hope for mid 70’s and low humidity…

i never wanted a sister…big or little…i was perfectly happy being the only one who could...

Thu, 15 Dec 2011 17:27:00 -0500

i never wanted a sister…big or little…i was perfectly happy being the only one who could legitimately lay claim to being daddy’s little girl…i was his only girl…and it was great. the first man i ever loved…he made me know the kind of love i was worthy of receiving and urged that i demand no less…he gave me joy and everything else…showed me the importance of having my own…independence is what i think he called it…cause you just never know. had me all determined and destined to do big things…told me I’d be great…e-g-o-! he never talked in terms of equality be it race or gender or class but i learned these things were riddled in his walk his conversation and i came to understand the latent meanings of his stride…my hero….he felt my pain when cootie boppers mangled my self confidence…he passed but never puffed with his sweet little girl even ignoring the smells that seeped through vents carrying heat and air and sound…he gave me life and love and laughter…

"It is not what you say that matters but the manner in which you say it; there lies the secret of the..."

Wed, 14 Dec 2011 12:10:05 -0500

“It is not what you say that matters but the manner in which you say it; there lies the secret of the ages”

- william carlos williams

there is no card by the way...

Tue, 13 Dec 2011 11:09:49 -0500

they all keep pushing me…all of them…to open my mouth, or write a letter, or send a fucking telegram. but i refuse. i do not have the words to say these things..nicely…and so they remain inside of me…unspoken. i am learning that i have allowed those around me to hang on to this fictional card that they believe they have earned by their other colored associations. usually some (fine or not so fine) brown or red or black this or that they have taken to their beds and created or not created some white and brown or red or black little…colored…being…puh-lease. i have no witty remarks for you, you or you…i can’t turn this off…and you will come to understand that your creations can’t either…there is no card by the way…so i ask you all to check your privilege before engaging…

"If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m..."

Mon, 12 Dec 2011 12:10:05 -0500

“If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I’m neurotic as hell. I’ll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.”

- sylvia plath

and when there is nothing left to say

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:53:00 -0500

and when there is nothing left to say there is always the silence…the silence says the things we are too afraid to speak from our mouths because we could never imagine saying things so hurtful…so mean…the things we think deep down inside that we don’t really know if we mean so we let them fester…in the silence…thick…like a freshly pierced tongue, peanut crunchy butter, and the diameter of my left and right thighs…that shit is thick…the silence of nothingness…says more than almost 365 days of chatter

and when there is nothing left to say there is always the silence…the silence says the things we have not yet learned to speak from our mouths because we do not have the vocabulary…things so magnificent…so amazingly delightful that even webster cannot define…and so we sit in absolute silence…thick…like colorful macramé chokers, sugar-free alaga syrup, and the semi-free form of my locs…that shit is thick…the silence of nothingness…says more…than anything that my ears have ever heard

"If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she..."

Mon, 05 Dec 2011 12:30:05 -0500

“If any female feels she need anything beyond herself to legitimate and validate her existence, she is already giving away her power to be self-defining, her agency.”

- bell hooks

reflections

Sun, 04 Dec 2011 12:20:00 -0500

indescribable

was my first impression

I didn’t blink

or do a double take

instead, I pondered

if the image

the physicality

its shape

and its form

was real

and it was

proven by

my sense of touch

I reached out

and found that

this contusion

this utterly amazing

misrepresentation

of social mores

was indeed

a reality

and it was mine

I understood

for the first time

the second glances

frowned faces

and overall

uncommunicated

feelings of disgust

and I began searching

for some kind of definition

explanation or

account of

the object before me

I had seen it before

in various manifestations

throughout my journey

and I had never been

quite satisfied

with the hearsay

passed off

as knowledge

I had received

about this matter

and so

I am left

alone

to devour

digest

and make sense of

my reflection….

on the surface

it was neither

good nor bad

it just was

the antennas

that protruded

from its crown

had not yet

found their way

and kind of stood

in disarray

trying to make

this house

a home

the orbs

(third or otherwise)

when received by herbals

appeared more shut

than usual

and they were not

adorned with any

pigmentation

special enough to snag

a dime

by standards

to the west

so I can opt

for synthetic hues

made from recyclable

polyplastics

to prettify them

if I so desire

the lips

not pencil thin

or thick enough

to be desired,

called juicy,

or niggerish

again just sat

as an estuary

speaking neither

rhyme nor reason

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the..."

Sat, 03 Dec 2011 12:17:06 -0500

“I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic — in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself.”

- anais nin