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Posts tagged reflection

3 notes

nail polish, black-eyed peas, and cheap wine

  • i am not superstitious and stuff but i will toast at midnight with cheap sparkling wine and give my honey a kiss…
  • i tightened my locs and polished my fingers and toes because these things make me feel sexy…a feeling that i hope lingers throughout the year…
  • i washed all my clothes on thursday because at some point someone’s big ma told me it was bad luck to do laundry on the friday before and after the new year…
  • i will make a small pot of greens and black-eyed peas tomorrow because well…when mama was in the world she told me this had to be done..and i’ve been doing it ever since…
  • i am not superstitious and stuff but i wonder what the ball dropping without second seed will mean for familial ties in 2012…

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under 2012 writing self reflection tradition superstition perception new year

7 notes

on resolutions…

i made promises that i left in 2009 and again in 2010..unfulfilled…there will be no promises made tonight that linger into a million tomorrows…i have tried to get free all while living some semblance of the american dream…this i tell you is a feat that can never be accomplished. yes i am tired. i have planned to—live cleaner, listen harder, love stronger, and forgive louder…i have failed at them all-yet they remain desirous, mysterious and seemingly unattainable…i have no plans of grandiose monstrosity to usher in what some may consider a new year…no promises…i just want to live comfortably…somewhere outside of my head…

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under prose writing perception reflection self 2012 resolutions

15 notes

still

i have been in my garden for 48 hours…trapped in between and underneath all kinds of webbed fantasies formed in images and writings…but unable to speak. sickened by my inability to move anywhere but in my head…still…in all the motion. comforted by nothing…even the finest imported cognac with its full body and seductively deep aroma does not save the day…and i am numbed by clouds that have taken a liking to my being and decided to make a halo upon my crown…

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under writing perception still prose reflection

3 notes

i never wanted a sister…big or little…i was perfectly happy being the only one who could legitimately lay claim to being daddy’s little girl…i was his only girl…and it was great. the first man i ever loved…he made me know the kind of love i was worthy of receiving and urged that i demand no less…he gave me joy and everything else…showed me the importance of having my own…independence is what i think he called it…cause you just never know. had me all determined and destined to do big things…told me I’d be great…e-g-o-! he never talked in terms of equality be it race or gender or class but i learned these things were riddled in his walk his conversation and i came to understand the latent meanings of his stride…my hero….he felt my pain when cootie boppers mangled my self confidence…he passed but never puffed with his sweet little girl even ignoring the smells that seeped through vents carrying heat and air and sound…he gave me life and love and laughter…

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under writing prose people i know perception reflection love

11 notes

there is no card by the way…

they all keep pushing me…all of them…to open my mouth, or write a letter, or send a fucking telegram. but i refuse. i do not have the words to say these things..nicely…and so they remain inside of me…unspoken. i am learning that i have allowed those around me to hang on to this fictional card that they believe they have earned by their other colored associations. usually some (fine or not so fine) brown or red or black this or that they have taken to their beds and created or not created some white and brown or red or black little…colored…being…puh-lease. i have no witty remarks for you, you or you…i can’t turn this off…and you will come to understand that your creations can’t either…there is no card by the way…so i ask you all to check your privilege before engaging…

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under relationships reflection race writing perception power people i know privilege colored

4 notes

reflections

indescribable

was my first impression

I didn’t blink

or do a double take

instead, I pondered

if the image

the physicality

its shape

and its form

was real

and it was

proven by

my sense of touch

I reached out

and found that

this contusion

this utterly amazing

misrepresentation

of social mores

was indeed

a reality

and it was mine

I understood

for the first time

the second glances

frowned faces

and overall

uncommunicated

feelings of disgust

and I began searching

for some kind of definition

explanation or

account of

the object before me

I had seen it before

in various manifestations

throughout my journey

and I had never been

quite satisfied

with the hearsay

passed off

as knowledge

I had received

about this matter

and so

I am left

alone

to devour

digest

and make sense of

my reflection….

on the surface

it was neither

good nor bad

it just was

the antennas

that protruded

from its crown

had not yet

found their way

and kind of stood

in disarray

trying to make

this house

a home

the orbs

(third or otherwise)

when received by herbals

appeared more shut

than usual

and they were not

adorned with any

pigmentation

special enough to snag

a dime

by standards

to the west

so I can opt

for synthetic hues

made from recyclable

polyplastics

to prettify them

if I so desire

the lips

not pencil thin

or thick enough

to be desired,

called juicy,

or niggerish

again just sat

as an estuary

speaking neither

rhyme nor reason

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under colored locs perception poem poetry reflection self race people i know

1 note

i am tired of sitting here so i lay. when my left side gets numb i roll to the right. i am ensconced in tv although nothing worth watching is on. my lips have returned to their usual size and thickness and the edges remain colored in black. they tingle some and are really dry. my vaseline rots in my seven dollar purse that i bought from walmart before i realized they had no union. i still shop there though…being poor i have little choice. the golf ball in my throat has been there since friday and it comes and goes. it’s not really a golf ball really it’s more like a marble. the chest pains still come and go but they mostly go. oh and sometimes my face gets tingly like my lips and tongue. i quit taking my meds, lowered my sugar, and blood pressure all by not eating fast. food. i don’t nearly drink enough water and no one has an answer as to why i feel so shitty mostly all the time…passing away hours in this way feels good when nothing else does. i think of death quite often and it scares me. no one believes me anymore when i say im sick so i try not to say it too often. im trying to take note of the good days. say when i feel good…in a slump of bad right now. time to turn over my ass is getting numb and it’s time to change the channel…work tomorrow…and the rest of the quarter looms… ~

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under prose people i know self reflection repost from an old blog

8 notes

and i show up. weekly. waiting to hear your explanation. and weekly i leave empty. feeling as if i’ve paid for couture but received a poorly made, less expensive knock off, even though it serves its function. thought provoking discussions seem to be omitted and the oversimplified theories seem to be commonsensical bull shit that someone thought was important when academia demanded that the field become more scientific. all the deepness is borrowed from intelligentsia of related disciplines, one in particular still gives me orgasmic like pleasure every time i encounter it. the higher i go, the more ripped off i feel. i found the only tangible results of my last pursuit atop an unused scanner in my basement office covered in dust and water stains. no frame. it was definitely not needed in my current position and my social standing has only risen at the same rate of inflation since its attainment. i know that it can never be taken from me. and although it is my most prized possession literally and figuratively, i feel that it is worthless. my pursuit of knowledge is all that keeps me. showing up.

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under creative nonfiction double masters higher ed perception reflection social work miseducation prose

3 notes

the stench of last night

last night.

i lay sitting inside myself

and the stench of old overcooked cabbage

was almost too much to bear.

so i held my nose.

took deep, awkward breaths

like the fat women in the circus

whose unsightly facial hair makes her a

prized spectacle in the show

but a slothful subhuman creature

on the street.

and as i lay there

sitting inside myself

my eyes

and

my ears

began to see and hear a me

that even i failed to recognize

or refused to even acknowledge.

last night,

i reminisced on

abandonment rape and slaughter

and fully understood how my insides

so much smelled

like the stench of of old overcooked cabbage

and as i continued to lay there

sitting inside myself

my thoughts began to shift

the night began to fade

and i rejoiced

sitting inside myself

last night

the stench

of old cabbage

lay sitting

inside

me

(Source: purgingmyguts)

Filed under poetry self reflection history writing the stench of last night