Posts tagged reflection
Posts tagged reflection
(Source: purgingmyguts)
i made promises that i left in 2009 and again in 2010..unfulfilled…there will be no promises made tonight that linger into a million tomorrows…i have tried to get free all while living some semblance of the american dream…this i tell you is a feat that can never be accomplished. yes i am tired. i have planned to—live cleaner, listen harder, love stronger, and forgive louder…i have failed at them all-yet they remain desirous, mysterious and seemingly unattainable…i have no plans of grandiose monstrosity to usher in what some may consider a new year…no promises…i just want to live comfortably…somewhere outside of my head…
(Source: purgingmyguts)
i have been in my garden for 48 hours…trapped in between and underneath all kinds of webbed fantasies formed in images and writings…but unable to speak. sickened by my inability to move anywhere but in my head…still…in all the motion. comforted by nothing…even the finest imported cognac with its full body and seductively deep aroma does not save the day…and i am numbed by clouds that have taken a liking to my being and decided to make a halo upon my crown…
(Source: purgingmyguts)
i never wanted a sister…big or little…i was perfectly happy being the only one who could legitimately lay claim to being daddy’s little girl…i was his only girl…and it was great. the first man i ever loved…he made me know the kind of love i was worthy of receiving and urged that i demand no less…he gave me joy and everything else…showed me the importance of having my own…independence is what i think he called it…cause you just never know. had me all determined and destined to do big things…told me I’d be great…e-g-o-! he never talked in terms of equality be it race or gender or class but i learned these things were riddled in his walk his conversation and i came to understand the latent meanings of his stride…my hero….he felt my pain when cootie boppers mangled my self confidence…he passed but never puffed with his sweet little girl even ignoring the smells that seeped through vents carrying heat and air and sound…he gave me life and love and laughter…
(Source: purgingmyguts)
they all keep pushing me…all of them…to open my mouth, or write a letter, or send a fucking telegram. but i refuse. i do not have the words to say these things..nicely…and so they remain inside of me…unspoken. i am learning that i have allowed those around me to hang on to this fictional card that they believe they have earned by their other colored associations. usually some (fine or not so fine) brown or red or black this or that they have taken to their beds and created or not created some white and brown or red or black little…colored…being…puh-lease. i have no witty remarks for you, you or you…i can’t turn this off…and you will come to understand that your creations can’t either…there is no card by the way…so i ask you all to check your privilege before engaging…
(Source: purgingmyguts)
indescribable
was my first impression
I didn’t blink
or do a double take
instead, I pondered
if the image
the physicality
its shape
and its form
was real
and it was
proven by
my sense of touch
I reached out
and found that
this contusion
this utterly amazing
misrepresentation
of social mores
was indeed
a reality
and it was mine
I understood
for the first time
the second glances
frowned faces
and overall
uncommunicated
feelings of disgust
and I began searching
for some kind of definition
explanation or
account of
the object before me
I had seen it before
in various manifestations
throughout my journey
and I had never been
quite satisfied
with the hearsay
passed off
as knowledge
I had received
about this matter
and so
I am left
alone
to devour
digest
and make sense of
my reflection….
on the surface
it was neither
good nor bad
it just was
the antennas
that protruded
from its crown
had not yet
found their way
and kind of stood
in disarray
trying to make
this house
a home
the orbs
(third or otherwise)
when received by herbals
appeared more shut
than usual
and they were not
adorned with any
pigmentation
special enough to snag
a dime
by standards
to the west
so I can opt
for synthetic hues
made from recyclable
polyplastics
to prettify them
if I so desire
the lips
not pencil thin
or thick enough
to be desired,
called juicy,
or niggerish
again just sat
as an estuary
speaking neither
rhyme nor reason
(Source: purgingmyguts)
i am tired of sitting here so i lay. when my left side gets numb i roll to the right. i am ensconced in tv although nothing worth watching is on. my lips have returned to their usual size and thickness and the edges remain colored in black. they tingle some and are really dry. my vaseline rots in my seven dollar purse that i bought from walmart before i realized they had no union. i still shop there though…being poor i have little choice. the golf ball in my throat has been there since friday and it comes and goes. it’s not really a golf ball really it’s more like a marble. the chest pains still come and go but they mostly go. oh and sometimes my face gets tingly like my lips and tongue. i quit taking my meds, lowered my sugar, and blood pressure all by not eating fast. food. i don’t nearly drink enough water and no one has an answer as to why i feel so shitty mostly all the time…passing away hours in this way feels good when nothing else does. i think of death quite often and it scares me. no one believes me anymore when i say im sick so i try not to say it too often. im trying to take note of the good days. say when i feel good…in a slump of bad right now. time to turn over my ass is getting numb and it’s time to change the channel…work tomorrow…and the rest of the quarter looms… ~
(Source: purgingmyguts)
there are many days when
i hope for change
today is not one
of
those days
today i am wrapped in
the essence of what is
and I’m delighted
for sometimes
hope is the very thing
that leads to ungratefulness
and despair…
(Source: purgingmyguts)
and i show up. weekly. waiting to hear your explanation. and weekly i leave empty. feeling as if i’ve paid for couture but received a poorly made, less expensive knock off, even though it serves its function. thought provoking discussions seem to be omitted and the oversimplified theories seem to be commonsensical bull shit that someone thought was important when academia demanded that the field become more scientific. all the deepness is borrowed from intelligentsia of related disciplines, one in particular still gives me orgasmic like pleasure every time i encounter it. the higher i go, the more ripped off i feel. i found the only tangible results of my last pursuit atop an unused scanner in my basement office covered in dust and water stains. no frame. it was definitely not needed in my current position and my social standing has only risen at the same rate of inflation since its attainment. i know that it can never be taken from me. and although it is my most prized possession literally and figuratively, i feel that it is worthless. my pursuit of knowledge is all that keeps me. showing up.
(Source: purgingmyguts)
last night.
i lay sitting inside myself
and the stench of old overcooked cabbage
was almost too much to bear.
so i held my nose.
took deep, awkward breaths
like the fat women in the circus
whose unsightly facial hair makes her a
prized spectacle in the show
but a slothful subhuman creature
on the street.
and as i lay there
sitting inside myself
my eyes
and
my ears
began to see and hear a me
that even i failed to recognize
or refused to even acknowledge.
last night,
i reminisced on
abandonment rape and slaughter
and fully understood how my insides
so much smelled
like the stench of of old overcooked cabbage
and as i continued to lay there
sitting inside myself
my thoughts began to shift
the night began to fade
and i rejoiced
sitting inside myself
last night
the stench
of old cabbage
lay sitting
inside
me
(Source: purgingmyguts)
